Children and teenagers rarely have trouble saying ‘no’. In fact they frequently do it. They do it loudly and proudly, and they do it with an abundance of conviction. So why do we, well educated and mature adults, have so much trouble saying this one syllable, two character word? Because we attach big complex feelings to this tiny simple word. Because we want to preserve our relationships.

85 years old and going strong, the Harvard Study of Adult Development is our longest running study on happiness. It tells us that “good relationships keep us happier and healthier” with the three biggest lessons about relationships from the study being that:

1. social connections are really good for us and loneliness kills,

2. it’s the quality of our close relationships that matter and living amidst conflict is bad for our health, and

3. good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.

It’s no wonder given our desire to preserve our relationships that we often say ‘yes’ to requests when we really want to say ‘no’. But does saying ‘yes’ actually help or hinder our goal of preserving our relationships? Consistency, trust and respect sit at the core of healthy lasting relationships - the kind where we feel like we can count on the other person in our times of need. When we say ‘yes’ to everybody and everything, overloading ourselves in an attempt to preserve our relationships, it has the opposite effect to what we desire.

When we try and do too many things at once, we lose our focus as we divide our attention across multiple things. This impacts the consistency with which we deliver to others. We become slower and the quality of the outcomes that we do deliver may be compromised. The more complex the tasks at hand, the higher the risk of this happening. This also impacts the consistency with which we show up for others at a human level. You may normally be known as a generous, calm and grounding person, but when you’ve said ‘yes’ to too many things and become overloaded, you become impatient, frenetic and sharper with your tone and choice of words. When consistency in your outcomes and behaviours change, it erodes the predictive and vulnerability based trust that others have in you. The longer this goes on, the more trust gets eroded and gradually the respect others had for you also disappears along with those relationships that you wanted to protect and preserve when you said ‘yes’ in the first place.

So how do you loudly and proudly say ‘no’ with an abundance of conviction?

Not every attempt at saying ‘no’ will work. Sometimes you might still end up fulfilling the request that you don’t want to do. Sometimes you might be able to negotiate an alternate arrangement so that it’s easier to say ‘yes’ for mutual benefit. Sometimes the best answer is actually to say ‘yes’. However if you don’t assess the situation and speak up for yourself then you will never be able to improve your situation and preserve the relationships you desire to keep.

REFERENCES

American Psychological Association. (2006). Multitasking: Switching costs. Retrieved 18 February 2023 from https://www.apa.org/topics/research/multitasking

Harvard Study of Adult Development. (2015). Welcome to the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Retrieved 18 February 2023 from https://www.adultdevelopmentstudy.org/

Lencioni, P. (2002). The five dysfunctions of a team a leadership fable (1st ed.). Jossey-Bass.

Mineo, L. (2017). Good genes are nice, but joy is better. Harvard University. Retrieved 18 February 2023 from https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Waldinger, R. (2016). What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness, TED. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI